See Me Here
Are you available to hear me?
I know there are so many important voices today that need and want to be heard. I wonder if I should make this request. What are the energetic circumstances that will lead you to noticing - what give and take- what dance of deserving- what emotional algorithm will help me get the support and love and attention I desire today?
The truth is no outer support will fix my problem. But still, I follow the desire to ask you see me here: on Saturday morning in Berlin feeling so lost and alone. I know hormones and circumstance play a part in this stagnant state. It's my mind/body connection and the way they move or don't that seems to create the happiness or distress I experience.
There was a time I meditated a lot. For many years. I don't do it much anymore and so know I am the possessor of what the Buddhists call an "ordinary mind" (like an unswept house or a confused person who's missed the greater point of their life).
I've been self- medicating with food and tobacco. I am gaining weight. I feel lethargic, stuck, and lost.
I see a victim narrative and a baby narrative- that I need someone or something external to save me from, mostly, myself! My defenses are up. I've pushed several people away.
At the moment, I don't make a sustainable amount of money and I have not alchemized my artistic gifts into financial income.
Depressed. Down. Having trouble making moves to support myself. The usual symptoms....
I wouldn't dare to separate my ills from greater societal issues (captialism, the chaotic and violent state of affairs ad infinitum), but I have sort of always experienced this kind of depression on and off throughout the changing times. And I've experienced relief from it.
I meet people who are happy and hopeful and alive almost everytime I go out into the world.
What am I missing?
I think I’m missing a life in service. Maybe my art isn’t a service so its not giving me the rewards that altruistic action would.
Where has my spark gone? It's here, in my discontent, getting distorted and silenced with the common distractions.
I want to reach out to you. If you're still here, reading, I’ll just thank you. Thank you.
I know I’m not alone in this temporary suffering. I send tentacles of empathy to all those who feel they have missed the mark- that their lives are unpotentiated- for all the adults that didn’t learn how to make friends and always feel outside of life.
Knock knock. We’re here.